Unresolved
Last night I spoke with my ex-wife. She called out of the blue, two years since our last conversation. It seems she was doing some reorganization at home and came across a box of old photos she thought I might like to have, and took a chance that I hadn't changed my cell number.
We chatted pleasantly enough for a few minutes, though it was a bit distant, as might be expected. She offered to mail the photos to me, we exchanged inquiries as to health and family, that sort of thing. Toward the end of the call I asked if it might be possible to meet for coffee some time, on her turf, just to chat. There was a bit of hesitation, then she said "I don't think it would be a good idea. [My husband] would not like that at all."
I demurred, saying that I wouldn't want to cause a problem. And that was the end of the call.
The past, to be sure, is the past, and it isn't as though I harbor some unresolved desire to rekindle an old flame. But I admit, this makes me more than a little sad. I wasn't suggesting some clandestine rendezvous, just a chat between old friends over a cup of coffee. Our divorce was amicable, we tried to stay in touch, and there wasn't any rancor. What happened, then, to put me in the category of people who might provoke anger in her spouse?
I suppose I'll never really know.
12 Comments:
Since I have a very similar story to tell, in my case I think it's because the ex had to blame the failure of the marriage primarily on me so that she came out looking pretty good to the new husband. And once she's done that, the new husband would always question why she would ever want to talk to that clown of an ex-husband (me) ever again, let alone have a casual rendezvous.
It's natural (and often healthy) to want to meet with your ex. After all, you shared in each others lives. It's normal to be curious about how she is doing.
But I've also come to learn that the new man in an ex's life is often consumed with jealousy about the times you both shared.
I say move on, find a new chick, and try to be accepting of who and what she's done in the past :-)
There is a very strange disjunction between present realities and past love that has always baffled me. It's the opposite of "I'll cross that bridge when I get there ..." Rather, "I already crossed that bridge, and I can't believe I did, and now there is this huge chasm in between myself and that life."
I think Gus hit it right on the money. Take a leap of faith across that divide and find yourself a new chick. Everyone deserves a second chance. And a third. A fourth. However many it takes.
Rick makes a good point -- it takes guts to admit a relationship failed because of mutual problems, or whatever, instead of just blaming it on the ex.
Hmm, I seem to have failed as a writer on this one. I should have been more explicit that the divorce was years ago, and that I moved on a long time ago. But I do appreciate the support!
sad indeed. but still better than to cause anger.
mkh, I understood that the breakup happend awhile ago. All the more reason that's it's no big deal (and maybe healthy for both parties) to meet and move on.
Now I'll take off the gloves and say what I really feel about your situation:
First, I don't buy the "I came across a box of old photos" call. We've all heard, or said that one before.
She called becuase she was curious about how you were doing and wanted to hear your voice.
IMHO, I say you ex is afraid to meet you beacuse she's worried that she may still hold a flame (which is normal), and he's afraid about you two meeting becuase he's worried that he may not measure up (which I guess is normal too).
Thank you for sharing your unresolved question, and starting this discussion.
Sometimes people frequently use the spouse as an excuse for something instead of having the courage to say that they themselves don't think it's a good idea.
Personally, I think it's a cheesy cop-out for a woman (being one myself, I try hard not to) to say that she won't do something because her spouse wouldn't like something--if she loves her spouse, and thinks that an action would hurt him, then why not say that she herself doesn't think it's a good idea?
If I were you, I wouldn't get too upset about what she said. Either she would like to meet with you, but doesn't have the courage to face her husband's potential distress (if he doesn't trust her, then they have bigger problems than coffee with you), or she doesn't want to see you and doesn't have the courage to say so. [In which case coffee together would have been very uncomfortable and fakey].
Gus:
Actually, I'm pretty sure the box of photos is the reason, as she had mentioned them a couple of years ago but we'd never managed to get together. Did she also want to know how I'm doing? Yeah, probably, because she's a good and caring person -- that's why I married her.
She mentioned them a couple of years ago, but just found time to call?
I'd be like "hey, thanks for keeping me on hold for the past two years. I've been waiting to hear from you."
mkh, I'm not trying to stir-up bad feelings. I was touched by your post.
I think KH's comments are well said.
"What happened, then, to put me in the category of people who might provoke anger in her spouse?"
From your account, whatever happened, if anything happened at all, didn't happen on your side of the equation, or even on your watch. Just sounds to me like your ex just doesn't want to meet, and rather than getting into Why or Why Not with you, attributed the reason to the third party. It was a long time ago and it ended amicably, right? Maybe leave it right there where it's good.
And speaking of good, your post is excellent. Thanks for sharing.
I agree with KH.
And I say the following as a woman, not as someone presuming to know your ex: if I truly no longer have feelings for someone I loved and married or had a serious relationship with (not that I don't like them as a person, because then I would in fact refuse to meet them, just that I'm truly over them, for real), I would have no problem playing catch-up over coffee. In fact, been there, done that. Husband knew and was not pissed or bothered by it.
In a case like this, I could only imagine saying no because of fears over what feelings that might stir up in me.
Unresolved, indeed.
KH,
Is it ever a surprise to have ex-lovers return to our lives. No matter how much time has gone by? I think not, I think there are reasons for them being in our lives in the first place. We just might not have the answer presented to us yet.
Love you kid, knancio
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