Dream or dud?
Last Saturday morning two professionally dressed young men knocked on my door. After recoiling in horror at my shirtless, unshaven appearance — or perhaps my coffee breath — they were quite cordial, and gave me a copy of Awake! magazine. They did not, however, waste any time in making good their exit from my porch.
During a lull this week I read over the pamphlet. In the middle of features about medicine, nanotechnology, and the relationship between Noah's Ark and aircraft carriers, I found a short piece about dating. The specific topic was directed toward teens, and specifically, when should you start dating.
Somewhat predictably the JW take is that you should postpone dating until you are ready to get married. While I started out thinking how silly that was, the more I considered it, the more I came to realize I know a lot of people in the 20s, 30s, and 40s who feel the same way. Dating isn't about having a good time for those people, it's about sizing up potential mates. Given our goal-oriented culture and all the emphasis on production of swift results, I found myself wondering if I missed a memo somewhere. Isn't life* supposed to be about enjoying yourself?
So in my hour of &mdash well, despair is far too strong a word, let's say incipient melancholy — my hour of incipient melancholy, I turn to you, dear readers. For those of you still single, is dating analogous to a job interview for you, where you come prepared with a mental list of required qualifications for the position? And for those of you who have already paired (or tripled) off, was your first thought "S/He's cute!" or was it "S/He seems like a potential spouse?"
I eagerly await your responses.
*Please note that this does not represent my own life, but rather an idealized version of life in general. My own life is rarely about personal satisfaction and enjoyment, but I like to know how the rest of you live.
13 Comments:
She's cute. I had just finalized my divorce the week before and was eager to do like Federline: "Watch out ladies! I'm a free man!"
Alas, seven months later...
Hmm. When I was younger, dating was for fun. (OMG, I'm getting the lyrics to Celine Dion/Air Supply "All By Myself" stuck in my head.) Now that I am 150 and sincerely value every spare hour of my time...and have yet to meet the "man of my dreams"...and have about a minute and a half left of my fertility, I don't have time to date for fun. Which is good, because dating is no fun at all, especially first dates...but I digress, yet again. But my point (loosely used term) is that the goal matters. I choose not to "waste" a lot of time dating people who I know I'm ultimately incompatible with because, well, I am running out of time to fall in love and get married and have babies and bake cookies and live happily ever after. As nonsensical as it seems, I would rather be alone and not dating anyone (I say this, as if it's entirely a choice...don't be fooled) than to go out with people with whom I know there is no future. Because, what if I'm hanging out with Never Gonna Happen when I meet my McDreamy and, therefore, miss out on the dream?
In about another 4 years (+/-), I will begin perimenopause (I assume), and the equation changes again. When my uterus gives up the ghost, I assume the reproductive pressure will disappear, and I can once again entertain myself by spending time with people with whom I have nothing in common and do not admire. And what was the question again?
You can get all sociobiologist about it and say that 90% of human behavior is all about mate selection (for women) and mate attraction (for men), with the other 10% dedicated towards survival for the purpose of staying alive long enough to mate at all.
But that probably won't help your incipient melancholy. I know it certainly doesn't help mine. By the above standard, I am a highly defective primate.
I can't think of a single area of my life where I'm a Type A personality, and that includes dating. So no, I don't approach it like an interview.
However.
I'm not really into dating just for the sake of dating. I'm not going to go out on a date with someone just because I think they're nice, or interesting, or hot, or fabulous, if I can also see the signs that, in the long-term, they wouldn't be a good fit for who I am or if it was clear that they wouldn't make a good spouse/partner. I'm not a big fan of wasting time -- my own, or anyone else's -- so I generally abstain from dating someone unless there's at least a glimmer of promise that it will develop into something stable and loving and monogamous and long-term.
Do I come prepared with a mental list of requirements? Eh, not exactly. There are a few red flags I try notice early, if I can. And there are a few big 'core beliefs' items on which I and the other party should align or at least heavily overlap. But other than that, I don't have a detailed list of height, weight, eye color, bowling average, favorite color, most hated vegetable, college major, skiing level, baseball team for which he roots, required salary, and so on. That way lies madness.
I just shit my pants...
Today is your birthday, January 28th! The best of wishes are being sent your way, dearest k.
As far as dating, hmmm, it all starts with (animalistic) attraction of all the senses. I can successfully ignore the red flags until after I *interview* the candidate. ;P
Ok, I see someone cute, I hone in, start talking to him (happened today at the dog park - I get lucky when i walk instead of drive)
I move fast. He said I'm hungry; i said, i havent eaten all day and am starving - wanna take the dogs and grab a bite? I was just all giddy and in crush mode when I walked into the restaurant - on a giant tv there was our little shrub and made me remember to start asking questions (and they all had good answers) neat freak - no; smoke pot - yes but not in a while; drink - yes; I didnt ask him about his religion feelings just went off and told him that organized religion is the cause of most of the worlds evils. He didnt kick me out of the car so I guess he wasnt too offended. He was a bit wary when I asked about politcs...only volunteered that he didnt like bush, but i forgot to ask him if he voted for him. I bet he did the first time; but god I hope not the second time. To me that feels like a deal breaker, but my parents regularly donate parts of my inheritance to the evil people and still think Bush is a good president and I love them so I guess I could date someone who just voted for him. I am married, but we ARE getting a divorce. This was my first new "date" in 6 years and I guess that as you get older you know more of what is important. Forgot to ask about pro-choice and gay marriage... I wasnt at all subtle in my quizzing. He knew i had been "single" for less than a week, so probably correctly assumed I dont want to walk the isle next year or anything, that way he wasnt too scared of me comming at him so directly. I could tell he was amused by it. All my questions were very direct. I talked more than both Gillmore Girls combined so he knows my whole history highschool to now. I was like why dont you talk a bit? - I cant believe he gave me his #. Silly man. its an instant he's cute, and work out if its spouse material.
Happy Birthday! Are you having a party at a bar or something. Happy people get out more. I need to get out more to keep this smile on my face (maybe its a smirk)
I wanted to say this earlier. A few days ago some one told me that their mom had mopped the floor, open the door, and tossed the water out her front door onto the JW's that were there. It was a complete mistake, but they left running.
Happy Birthday! :o)
I totally agree with Yvette. It's all about timing.....and feliz cumpleano!
There's no equation, unfortunately. Mainly you just get lucky (no pun intended). I dated everyone and everything (practically) but I could figure out pretty quickly when someone wasn't gonna work out. I usually ended it, but there were one or two instances where, ya know, I kept trying for at least a couple more nights... ; )
You say your life is rarely about personal satisfaction. But I think you'relike me... You love being miserable. Oh. and Hello. Long time no key. Happy Birthday. (Still trying to catch me, eh??)
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