For several months I have been experiencing near-constant headaches. They vary in effect, moving from "I need more coffee to get through this," to "How much blood is coming out of my ears?" is a space of minutes. Most troubling, though, are the occasional ice-pick spikes at the base of my skull, which are blinding in their intensity and can leave me incapacitated for several minutes, and weak for hours.

Having determined that this is not something I can just deal with until it goes away — the technique I learned from my mother — I have visited my new doctor. He is very eager to get to the root cause (i.e., he's still young enough to care about his patients), and requested that Cigna approve several rounds of tests. Unfortunately, headaches, even the severe varieties, are too generalized to pinpoint the specific tests needed. You just start by ruling out the potentially life-threatening conditions and go on from there. Insurance companies, of course, prefer you start with the cheapest tests, and just hope you don't die of something that would have been detected by the more expensive variety.

Some tests have been approved, though, and tomorrow morning I go in for X-rays and CT scans. As best I can interpret the doctor's handwriting on the prescriptions, I will be getting "C-spine x-ray," "CT of brain w/wo," CT of carotids," & "CT of Circle of Willis*." There are a couple of other utterly illegible items as well, perhaps special prizes or something. All in all, sounds like I'll be having a grand time on Wednesday morning.

As to the potential causes, it's still up in the air. Discussed theories include blood clots, nascent aneurysms, pinched nerves, severe sinusitis, ocular disorders, misaligned vertebrae, brain tumors, hypochondria, hallucinations, alien implants, badly tuned orbital mind control lasers, and excessive orgone buildup. (Ethics compels me to admit that not all of these were suggested by my physician, although he did laugh at my proposals.) The only things ruled out so far are high blood pressure (mine is unnaturally normal), and dietary allergies (because I would already be dead). Any other possibilities I missed?

At any rate, I will let you know, dear readers, if the tests show anything interesting. At the very least I am going to try to talk them into letting me have copies of the pictures. I mean, c'mon, they shoot digital now! How hard can it be? Whose brain is it, anyway?

*Yes, yes, "Whachu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Feel better now?