My adult life has never exactly been a model of stability. There have been some periods in which it has veered dangerously close to stasis, but there is a vast difference between a calm, centered world, and one locked into unchanging order. Nonetheless, at the moment there is so little stability in my life that it has become a bit difficult to manage effectively.

Out of respect I have always been circumspect when writing about my employer. A couple of months ago, though, they changed an informal policy on blogging to a more official one, a policy summarized as "we can't stop you from blogging, but if we hear about it and don't like what you say for any reason, we reserve the right to fire you." In a better year this wouldn't concern me too much, but the current environment at my workplace is so filled with stress and fear and doubt that I wouldn't be too surprised to see a decision made to exercise that clause.

That same pervasive aura of fear stretches into my own job. I've worked for this company for nearly fourteen years, having reached a level affording me some small measure of security. These days, though, there are constant signs that this security may be illusory. Many previously level-headed co-workers are now short-tempered, depressed, or both, whether due to our uncertainty about our future, or the deliberate reduction in our workplace environment (replacing all offices with cubes, parking costs skyrocketing, shifts away from telecommuting). My job has always been stressful, but previously it was mainly due to my workload and the pressures of my responsibilities. Now the stress comes from all sides, and is as much a part of the atmosphere as the mold in the air conditioning ducts.

In the social arena I've been going through some changes, too. After years of semi-isolation, limiting my off-hours contact to a few close friends, I decided to break out of my self-imposed exile and start meeting people again. (Okay, it wasn't entirely my own idea, I admit; I was nearly dragged out into the world by some very special people.) All in all, it has been great. With new friends moving from the digital to physical worlds, a lot has changed: I have more people to talk with, so I've had to increase the minutes on my phone plan; new tastes means I've eaten at new restaurants and gone to new events; new perspectives bring me fresh insight into my own world. But many of my friends are going through difficult times right now, too. Some are dealing with money problems, others considering or going through relationship hell, others have severe health issues to contend with; being by nature empathetic, I can't help but want to help them, and often end up bringing the aura of their troubles into my own life. Consequently, a little more of my subconscious devotes itself to working on those problems, leaving a little less to deal with my own.

Together with — or perhaps due to — all of this, I've found myself doing a significant amount of soul-searching and introspection lately. With my job possibly imploding, do I want to look for work in the same field, or move in a new direction? I have a lot of support from my friends for moving more fully into writing (although why they want me to be poorer I can't imagine), but is that the right choice? It would seem like a basic mid-life kind of question, but I suspect resolution won't be as simple as buying a sports car and some gold chains. (I hope it won't be as tacky, either).

But on a personal level I'm looking deeper and more critically into my own soul than I have done. Matters of personal choice and philosophy that I thought were closed and settled years ago have been cracked wide open, previously understood needs and wants are no longer sufficient, and long-held beliefs are being challenged; I'm seeing myself in a new way, with perhaps more objectivity than I have really known, and it is both exhilarating and terrifying. It is also profoundly unsettling, and adding this to my already red-lined stress meters has caused a few uncomfortable conversations with people who have not deserved it. I don't know where this will take me, or what decisions and changes will be made, but I know that I am emerging from this reassessment a stronger man, a better friend, and with a clearer sense of my purpose in this life.

I am somewhat reluctant to commit to posterity my interim thoughts and half-partially considered musings in the best of times, so yes, all this sturm und drang is really slowing down my writing. I beg your forbearance, and hope you'll continue to check in now and again while I get all this sorted out. After all, it may not be pretty, but it should be interesting.

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it I'm an extraordinary machine

— Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine